Being aggressive, damaging or taking things that belong to others, or lack of care for others’ feelings

Some children and teens may show behaviors that are more than just acting out or simple impulsive reactions. They might be aggressive, damage things, or take things that aren’t theirs. They may also not seem to care about others’ feelings. These actions can be very upsetting for caregivers and others around them.

It’s important to know that these behaviors are not just normal mischief or a typical “rebellious phase.” They can be signs that the child needs help. With the right support, children can learn to manage their actions and understand how they affect others.

What is typical?

It’s normal for kids and teens to sometimes break rules or get upset as part of learning to deal with intense emotions, social rules, and boundaries. Younger children usually follow rules more, but older kids and teens might test limits at home or school. This is a part of growing up. Even some aggressive actions are normal. For example, toddlers might hit when they are upset because they want something right away. It’s also common for young kids to argue over small things on the playground. These behaviors usually don’t happen in other situations, are short-lived, and improve with guidance.

• By age 3: Children may start to test boundaries by saying “no” or refusing to share toys. They may hit or push because they are still learning to control impulses.
• Between ages 4 and 5: Children might argue with siblings or friends but can be redirected with guidance.
• By age 6: Children begin to understand rules better and can follow them with reminders. They understand that hitting or taking things hurts others but may still need reminders.
• Between ages 7 and 8: Children may occasionally talk back to adults but usually understand the consequences of their actions. They can apologize and make amends when guided.
• By age 9: Children can follow rules at home and school, though they might still argue with peers.
• Between ages 10 and 12: Pre-teens may test limits more as they seek independence but can be reasoned with.
• By age 13 and 14: Teens might challenge authority but can understand and discuss rules and consequences.

When should I be concerned?

There are several signs that show a child may be having difficulties with aggression or caring for others. These signs can be different based on the child’s age.

• Threatening behavior: The child may threaten to harm people or animals.
• Physical aggression: The child may start fights or use objects to hurt others.
• Damaging property: The child may break things that belong to others or set fires on purpose.
• Stealing or lying: The child may take things without permission or lie to get what they want.
• Lack of remorse: The child may not feel sorry after hurting someone, an animal, or breaking rules.
• Trouble with emotions: The child may have difficulty controlling their feelings and get frustrated easily.
• Skipping school: The child may skip classes or stay out late without permission.
• Problems with relationships: The child may have trouble getting along with family or friends.

In these cases, the behaviors are persistent and harmful, occurring in different contexts and environments.

What can I do to help?

As a caregiver, remaining patient and supportive of a child with these difficulties is key. Here are some things you can try:

1. Be a role model.Show good behavior by staying calm and using a soothing voice. Children learn by watching adults and can replicate behaviors they see at home. Avoid arguing and fighting in front of the child.
2. Be supportive.Let your child know you notice their behavior and are there to help. Listen to them without trying to solve everything right away.
3. Talk about it.Ask your child simple questions to understand what’s bothering them. This can help them express their feelings.
4. Stick to the rules.Don’t let your child think they can break rules without consequences. Consistency helps them understand boundaries.
5. Explain consequences.Be consistent with rules and outcomes. Make sure your child knows what will happen if they break a rule. Apply proportionate consequences, avoiding physical punishment.
6. Praise good behavior.Recognize when your child follows the rules or behaves well. Positive reinforcement encourages them to repeat good behavior.
7. Teach problem-solving.Help your child find other ways to deal with problems. Encourage them to think of solutions and try them out.
8. Establish clear routines.Having predictable times for activities like meals, homework, and bedtime helps your child feel secure and know what to expect.
9. Offer choices whenever possible.Giving small options reinforces a sense of autonomy and reduces conflict.

What kind of professional support can I seek out?

Do not feel embarrassed to ask for help. Start by talking to your child’s pediatricianor family doctor. These professionals can guide you and, if necessary, refer you to a mental health specialist, such as a psychologistor child psychiatrist.

Mental health professionals can help both the child and the caregivers. They work with families, offering strategies for managing symptoms at home, at school, and during treatment.

You can also find free support through the Unified Health System (SUS). Care often begins at your local Basic Health Unit (UBS). Other services include Child and Adolescent Psychosocial Care Centers (CAPS i), specialty centers, and clinics at university hospitals.